Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

[kellymoe]

About 2 years ago my life slowly started slide into a mire that I was totally unfamiliar with. All my life I was known as mr. laid back and never took life too seriously. I have a job that allows lots of time with my family and also lots of time doing the things I love such as climbing, ww kayaking, backcountry skiing and exploring the deserts and mountains of California. My job has also exposed me to a tone of crap. For the past 20 years I have been a firefighter/paramedic with the Los Angeles City Fire Dept. The first 10 years were spent in South Central LA and Hollywood and the last 10 years have been spent in East Los Angeles. Early on in my career I rode on rescues that averaged 25 calls in a 24 hour shift and some shifts while riding a rescue in Skid Row I ran over 30 calls a shift. Needless to say I saw a lot of horrible stuff that I couldn't even make up if I tried. I got along well for 18 years on gallows humor, youth and an understanding and loving wife. Then things started to change. I responded to a child choking. I had been on several child choking calls in the past but this one was tough. A 7 y/o girl was choking on a ball and we were having a tough time getting it out with the laryngoscope and forceps. I almost broke down in tears right there. This was a new feeling. I went home and cried for the first time in my career. Scared and confused I didnt tell anyone. I started to dread the alarm. Fires were fine because it's always physical and very fun, it's why you become a fireman, right? But EMS calls started to dredge up memories of old calls I had been on years ago.
At home I started becoming more quiet and not a care free. I got angry faster, stayed up later and started crying for no apparent reason at all. I was a mess. Then on Christmas eve 2 years ago I had a big blow out with my wife over something I cant even remember now. My wife told me I was a totally different person and that we need to get help.
I started seeing a therapist. Never in my life did I ever think I would end up seeing a therapist but here I was on "the couch". Over the period of a few months I was diagnosed with clinical depresion and PTSD. I continued the therapy and started taking a anti depresent. Today I am about 90% of what I would consider normal. I also had back surgery a few years ago and live in constant pain but I am coping well with it, well as good as I can with constant pain.

I am writing this because of a post just below this about having 24-48 hours to live. 2 years ago I would be in bed sobbing after reading that, especialy since I have 2 young kids of my own. I thank God for making my wife kick me in the butt and get help. Not too many people know about this. I think writing about it helps with the healing process.

Has anybody else suffered from PTSD? One of the crippeling effects PTSD had on me was it took away my drive to do the things I loved. Now I am back and look forward to getting out and going on trips again. It's great to have a positive outlook on life again.:luxhello:

 

[SEREvince]

I appreciate your candor on the subject! I still find it amazing that people expect anyone (even themselves sometimes) to deal with horrific situations with out being affected. It's a pretty common attitude that is begining to change here in the military after several hundred years of "keep a stiif upper lip","John Wayne", BS. I imagine that the attitude is pretty similar among First Resonders and Law Enforcement folks as well.

If experiencing terrible stuff doesn't affect a person, then I would really question their humanity. I would not want some one like that responding to help my family or beside me in war!

I am very glad you got help! I just wish more people would do the same...

BTW: I have a family member who is a firefighter/ paramedic and had an identical experience. There was a rough spell were he pretty much isolated himself from everyone.

Cheers

Vince

 

[stevenmd]

Yes, thank you for your openness on the subject. I work with PTSD every day in my line of work. I currently run a narcotic treatment program. My patients run from 20 year heroin addicts to young kids addicted to oxy's to pain management patients now hooked on opiate pain killers to Desert Storm and Iraqi war vets (young kids!). Most of the patients have some form/level of PTSD. While it takes years to delve into the deep issues surrounding PTSD, the most important thing is to learn how to live with the day-to-day feelings and emotions.

Prior to this I worked in the foster care and child protective services industries. I have seen some harrowing stuff. I have witnessed the after effects of drug use, sexual abuse, physical abuse, etc. I am never surprised when my current patients tell me of their past.

Kudos to your wife for having the love and courage to stick by your side. Kudos to you for have the love and courage of your fellow man to serve in the capacity in which you have.

 

[XXXpedition]

glad to hear you'reon your way back up! i personally have not experienced any of this but know of peolpe who had stress relatedbreak-downs, etc.

all the best
sven

 

[Streakerfreak]

Jenn's father has seen a lot in his life, so he most definitely suffers from it.​

He was first drafted into the Vietnam War. There he severed as a grunt on the ground and saw stuff he has never told anyone. Not even his family. Jenn has told me that when she was little she remembers him screaming in the middle of the night. He even turned to alcohol for a while.​

After the War he became a NYC fire fighter. You can't get much worse then that. A few years before Sept 11, he was fighting a fire in The City. The fire escape he was on was not up to code and collapsed with him on it. He had to go through many surgeries and has all sorts of rods and stuff in his legs. Granted he can walk, but not well enough to work. So he was forced into early retirement, which turned out to be a good thing.​

The drinking got worse and the spells increased. Then came September 11. His company was one of the first responders and most everyone from his company was in the WTC when it collapsed. He lost a lot of friends that day. As did most everyone in there Long Island neighborhood. A few people in her neighborhood have recently died due to cancer caused by toxic fume exposer they suffered while at ground zero.​

Let's just say this has not helped his flashbacks, etc. Do you guys remember that documentary that was on TV by those French guys that happened to by at Ground Zero when it happened? Well he was watching that and to his horror they filmed some helmets that where found at ground zero. Most of them were from his company. He went to funerals for over a year after.​

Luckily he was able to kick alcohol, but he was still not the same. You were able to see it in his eyes that he is somewhere else. Two years ago Jenn's mother passed away from complications her M.S. caused her cancer surgery. Again, he started to drink, but somehow the passing of Jenn's mother kicked something out of him. He now smokes less, does not drink, talks to Jenn more, which he did not before, rides a bike the best he can and actually has gone through a major change since we last saw him. So I guess he just needed something to break the ties with his past​

 

[Rexsname]

I am so sorry to hear of your struggle. I too am struggling with PTSD, an adjustment disorder and depression. I was medically retired from the Sheriffs Office about 5 years ago and was doing OK until just recently. About 3 weeks ago my wife was arrested and my whole support system was yanked out from under me. I am facing the loss of our home and property. I brought my handguns to my in-laws house because I was scared of what I might do. I feel as tho I have no friends and precious little hope. I cling to my faith in God but do not feel his presence.

We will have our day in court and remain innocent until proven guilty but the media has destroyed her reputation and our business. This forum remains a huge help and I ask all of you for your prayers as we work through this horrible time in our lives.

Thank you.........

REX

 

[jh504]

This is very interesting to me that this subject is coming up as I have been dealing with symptoms of PTSD the past few months. I am an EMT, but I am not in a high volume area like LA or NYC so I have not delt with the massive amounts of trauma that an area like that has.
I was, however, the victim of a near fatal car wreck in Jan of this year, which I have shared in another thread on this site.
I have always been the type of person who thinks that in today's age too many people blame their "issues" on some type of syndrome and dont take responsibility for their own actions. I had this mindset until recently when I noticed a change in myself. I too am a very laid back individual but I started letting the smallest things drive me over the edge. Everyday there was something going on that would trigger a rage inside of me. I had extremly violent thoughts running through my head all day, and ever since the accident I have not been able to fall alseep before 1 or 2 am. My marriage was really taking alot of abuse and a few weeks ago I damaged a very close friendship over nothing. After that I was in an argument with my wife and I destroyed our bedroom door splattering blood from my hand all over the house.
The next morning I sat down and said what is wrong with me? This is not who I am! Thats when it hit me, I am suffering from all the symptoms of PTSD. Let me tell you that just coming to a realization of that has made all the difference in the world. The first step is identifying the problem. Me and my wife have started counceling sessions and our marriage is better now than ever. I am a biblical Christian and I rely heavily on my God in times like this. I believe that through my accident, rehab, and now PTSD He has given me the strength to carry on and overcome.
I still believe that we all have to take responsibility for our actions but part of that includes recognizing when you have a problem and taking the steps to resolve it. That is something that I have learned through all of this.

BTW I am in constant prayer for anyone dealing with these issues.

 

[Hltoppr]

I would say that most, if not all, members of the EMS community have some PTSD issues; whether or not they'll admit it. Glad to see you've gotten some assistance. Our department has started to require a PTSD debriefing at the least in the event of a "bad" incident. I have to say it does help!

-H-

 

[Z O O R O P A]

great thread!

I'm sure it isn't easy to share these things and if it is any consolation I think it may help others understand it or themselves easier

I think anyone who deals with the human condition whether it is as a medic, war, mental health, or in a Hospital experience a form of this. It is only natural to be affected by others pain

my experience, which doesn't compare but ....

I used to be a very competitive bike racer until a woman waited for me to get in front of her car and hit the gas. I broke pretty much everything in my right leg. I was in the Hospital for 5 days until my premo insurance company kicked me out. I had to give myself shots in the stomach for several weeks and was unable to walk for about 3 months and unable to drive for much longer. It took about a year to recover

I thought I was over it until I told my gf's parents about it last month and began shaking uncontrollably during the story - I try to tell stories well, entertaining and frankly, it is a pretty funny story.

After she hit me she refused to call 911 even though she had a phone in her hand and then at one point she leaned out the car door and no bs said;

"I'm not going to leave until you get off the road and on the side walk so no one else hits you" lol

even now just writing about it I can sense my heart rate going up

anyway, if you can and are able to give it some time, process it, don't ignore it, embrace it and understand it. I didn't let it overwhelm me when I did this though as I would be incapacitated had I really accepted how angry and scared I was because of it.

I got back on the bike for 2 years just to do it but lost my interest and could no longer go 60mph downhill on bicycle wheels.

I think everyone could use a little therapy if you can find the right therapist which is like finding a good mechanic for your head

taking a pro active approach is certainly the way to do it and for those of who have, I applaud you! as it isn't easy or cheap but what is the alternative?

I work with Autistic kids, some of the things I see are just incredible. The mind is a mystery and anyone who pretends otherwise just isn't paying attention to themselves. All to often we do nothing or think we are immune to what we see, feel, think, and act

:beer:

East/Central LA - I can only imagine

 

[Rexsname]

The department I used to work for had a therapist that I went to for a few years. He was key in diagnosing my problem and assisting in my healing. Now that I am no longer associated with the Sheriffs office I no longer have access to him or any other therapist. I need to go and find a job but I dont know what to do. I have both a mental health issue and a physical health issue (heart attack last year). Can I apply for unemployment benifits?

I dont mean to hijack this thread but I need help

REX

 

[Martyn]

I had a hard time adjusting after a traumatic injury to my right hand. Nightmares, day-mares, flash backs, lack of sleep, etc.

I was lucky enough to have a therapist who was trained in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). We have about 3 sessions and it seemed to put my memories back into the right place.

It was amazing, during the process I relived the experience as if it was happening, strange looking through your own eyes. Afterwards the PTSD symptoms diminished to a manageable degree.

I'd suggest you do some research on EMDR to see if it might work for you.

 

[ntsqd]

I dont mean to hijack this thread but I need help

REX

PM sent.

 

[Fireman78]

Same for me.

Happened to me about a year ago. Over the last 18 + years I've been a Fireman, Paramedic, State Policeman, and US Army Paratrooper. I'm not going into the details, but I recently moved over to Fire Dispatch, to take a break from the field, and it was the best move I ever did. (Probably saved my career.) Definatley don't ever feel bad about admitting you're human. Some of us can only solve other peoples' problems for so long before we crack.

 

[Rexsname]

Thom,

Your PM box is full. I wil phone you tonight.

Thanks,

REX

 

[Streakerfreak]

I used to be a very competitive bike racer until a woman waited for me to get in front of her car and hit the gas. I broke pretty much everything in my right leg. I was in the Hospital for 5 days until my premo insurance company kicked me out. I had to give myself shots in the stomach for several weeks and was unable to walk for about 3 months and unable to drive for much longer. It took about a year to recover

I thought I was over it until I told my gf's parents about it last month and began shaking uncontrollably during the story - I try to tell stories well, entertaining and frankly, it is a pretty funny story.

After she hit me she refused to call 911 even though she had a phone in her hand and then at one point she leaned out the car door and no bs said;

"I'm not going to leave until you get off the road and on the side walk so no one else hits you" lol

Sorry to hijack, but if you don't mind me asking, were any charges brought against her? Would that not be attempted murder, vehicular assault or something along those lines?